Having a threesome is easy — you just pick a random person and get down to business, right? Not so fast! There are a few rules and tips to consider for a threesome that can help increase the odds of having a hot, sexy time without worrying about any potential backlash after the fact.
We’ve got what you need to know to get down to business responsibly, even if it’s your first time.
Start By Talking to Your Partner
Every threesome should start with communication. We know that’s not a sexy thought, but not talking to your partner about having a threesome is a recipe for disaster. Set aside time to discuss your desire to have a threesome with your partner in a private place with as few interruptions as possible. Be ready to answer questions about why you want to have one, what that looks like, if you have anyone in mind, etc.
Things to talk about with your partner if they agree to look into having a threesome with you should include:
- The gender of the person you want to invite in
- Where you want to have your three-way
- What, if anything, is off-limits
- Any potential insecurities
You’ll also want to be prepared if your partner is absolutely not into it, which is their right.
It may just be that you’ve been feeling bored and need to spice up your sex life. Instead of having a threesome, you could always try out new sex toys, positions, or sex acts to keep things fresh and exciting without involving another person.
If you’re a single person, the world is your oyster! You get to curate the perfect three-way and don’t have to worry as much about emotional repercussions.
Pick the Right Third
Choosing the right third person to bring into the bedroom is the most crucial decision you’re going to make, so don’t make it lightly! It’s tempting to just go with someone you already know, but there are a lot of potential pitfalls to be aware of before getting naked and hopping into the sack.
Unless you’re already in an open relationship and the person you’re considering is someone you both know and who also knows your situation, having a three-way with someone you know is the most likely way to hurt someone’s feelings. It can get much more complicated this way, so it’s best to avoid it and look outside your circles. That means avoiding your best friend, even if you’re close.
You also don’t want to just decide on a whim and pick someone up at a bar, especially for your first threesome. While it’s fun to be spontaneous, there can also be a lot of drawbacks — you don’t know their STI status, what they’re looking for after your romp, and, let’s be honest, you don’t always make the healthiest decisions when you’re drinking.
While alcohol can definitely be involved when you have your threesome, you don’t want it to make any of your planning decisions for you. So who does that leave? Dating sites!
Dating apps like Tinder allow you to “window shop” with your partner, so to speak. You can find the perfect match that you both agree on, then ask them out for a coffee or a dinner date to hash out the details and see if they’re on board.
Stay Away from Your Bedroom
It’s super convenient to host your threesome in your own house, but that may not be the healthiest decision for your existing relationship. Your home is your safe space, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship and you live with your partner.
Maintaining that space as an area for just the two of you keeps your relationship's sanctity intact and the potential for hurt feelings out of it.
We recommend renting a hotel room for your threesome. It’s an excellent opportunity to splurge on yourselves, have a break from home, and make everything feel just a little bit more naughty. Plus, if something goes awry, the third person doesn’t have to know where you live.
Think Safety for the Best Threesome
We’ve all been forced to think more about our health safety because of the pandemic, but don’t get lax just because threesomes and group sex are super hot and exciting. Make sure you’re talking with your threesome partner about birth control and protection before your sexual encounter so that everyone is on the same page.
If there is any possibility of pregnancy, you want to decide who is bringing the condoms or verify that anyone who can get pregnant is on birth control. Having everyone get STI tested before your sexcapade is also a good idea. You may want to consider wearing condoms even with a clean bill of health (especially if you’re engaging in any “riskier” sex acts like anal).
Talk About What Is and Isn't on the Menu
As we said earlier, communication is absolutely crucial for a successful threesome. However, don’t leave your third out of the conversation! It would be pretty rude to show up and be ready to go but not tell them what is on the table or out of bounds.
Your third also needs to know the boundaries of what you both expect, and you need to know what their limits are. Leaving this piece of planning out of the equation can be a recipe for disaster.
Instead, before you’re all in the room staring hungrily at each other, plan a date over dinner or drinks to sit down together and talk about what you all expect.
Here are a few things that absolutely need to be brought up:
- Is oral sex okay? If so, are there boundaries on who can give or receive it?
- What about sex toys? Are they okay to use, and if so, which ones (vibrators, dildos, etc.)? Who is bringing them? Who can use them, or who can have them used on them?
- Are there any sex positions that are a hard no?
- Is butt stuff okay? If yes, on who? Also, will there be anal toys involved? What toys are okay to use — butt plugs, dildos, prostate massagers, etc.?
- If any people with male bodies are involved in the threesome, where is it (or isn’t it) okay to ejaculate?
Have a Safe Word
Safe words aren’t just for being tied up! If you’re going into a threesome with a long-term partner, having a safe word is also essential to keeping your relationship strong and healthy after the fact.
We think safe words belong in every hook-up scenario! A safe word allows everyone involved to “tap out,” so to speak, if they’re uncomfortable with anything happening. This can be physical discomfort, like having a sexual act or position hurt or cross a boundary, or emotional discomfort, like having many more emotions about watching your partner with someone else than you thought.
As soon as the safe word is spoken, all play should immediately end. You can talk about it and decide to continue after that or end the threesome entirely — this is up to the three of you.
Make Sure You’re Stocked Up
You wouldn’t show up to a party empty-handed, and you definitely don’t want to host a threesome unprepared. How to have a threesome 101 should ensure that you’re stocked up ahead of time so you don’t have to run out last minute and grab anything.
Lube is one of the most critical essentials you don’t want to leave out of your ménage à trois planning, regardless of the configuration of people involved in the threesome. Lube makes every sex act for every type of body even more enjoyable, and you don’t have to worry about not making enough of your own (because, realistically, not everyone can).
Artificial lubrication is especially crucial if anal play is on the table because the booty can do a lot of amazing things but making its own lube isn’t one of them. There are a few things to remember with your lube choice, though!
First, you’ll want to ensure that no one involved has any allergies — talk about ruining a party! After that, think about condom usage. If you’re planning on using latex condoms, you’ll want to stay away from oil-based lubricants, which can increase the possibility of a condom break.
One other consideration is whether or not you’ll be using sex toys. If silicone sex toys are in play, avoid silicone-based lubes. While one time isn’t going to make that much difference, long-term use can speed up how quickly your sex toy breaks down.
Besides lube, ensure you have your sex toys cleaned and ready to go, condoms if anyone needs them, and any other sexual aids (like kink gear) you’ve agreed on at the ready.
Avoid the Urge To Get Hammered
Alcohol is a great social lubricant, especially if you’re a little socially awkward. If you’re all in on having a threesome but feeling nervous, it’s usually okay to have a drink or two before taking your clothes off.
However, resist the urge to keep drinking and get hammered before your threesome. If you feel like you can’t go through with it unless you’re drunk, that may be a sign that you don’t actually want to do it in the first place.
Plus, alcohol comes with its own set of sexual performance-related issues! Whiskey dick (where you have a much harder time getting an erection while drunk) is very real. Plus, consent gets far more complicated if you’re drunk enough that you’re not fully present in your own body.
You’ll also not be as able to tell if something is hurting you, and you may end up with pain or discomfort afterward that you could have prevented if you knew what was going on. It’s better to avoid alcohol altogether so that you can have a sexy time that you’ll remember the next day.
Set Aside Time for Aftercare
We often think of aftercare as just for BDSM sexy time, but it’s just as important after a threesome (if that threesome is with a long-term monogamish partner). Even with all of the right planning, threesomes can bring about some strong emotions afterward.
It can be super weird to watch your partner touch another person sexually, even if you were the one who brought it up in the first place! Jealousy is a normal human emotion and will likely crop up, so you want to hold time and space for working through it.
Use your aftercare to check in with your partner, ask how they’re feeling, and give them the space to talk about it. Make sure that you’re doing the same! Spend some cuddle time together after your third leaves, just the two of you, before heading home.
Don’t be surprised if it takes some time for those feelings to surface, either. Continue to maintain an open, honest line of communication (this is great relationship advice, in general) after your threesome so that they can come to you with any jealousy, insecurity, or other emotion that pop up later.
Or, you can just talk about how hot of a time you had and how much you want to do it again — this would be the best scenario!
Get Ready for the Best Sex Party You’ve Ever Had
Want to know how to have a threesome and fulfill your sexual fantasies? While plenty of polyamorous people head out to the bar and hop into bed with someone spontaneously, that’s not always the best mood for threesomes.
Take our rules and tips into account and boost the potential of having a super fun, hot, sexy time without hurting your existing relationship. Every threesome helps you learn something new about yourself and your relationship, and each time (if you choose to do it again in the future) will get easier and easier — and much more fun.
Practice makes perfect, after all!
Sources:
Sexually Transmitted Diseases | CDC
What Are STDs? | Sexually Transmitted Diseases Information | Planned Parenthood
Experiencing Vaginal Dryness? Here's What You Need to Know. | ACOG